Greetings, world! I will destroy you all. Anywho, I must confess to the deep tragedy of not having posted anything upon this blog for approximately two months. Why must I be so absolutely busy all the time? Okay, that's a bit of a lie...I'm not always busy, I'm just always extremely forgetful, lazy, and procrastinatory. I'll also confess to having made the word procrastinatory up. Sue me. (If you actually bring the matter to court, I can very nearly guarantee that I will emerge victorious) I will also confirm to all of you lovely blog-readers that I am almost certainly not dead. I know you may find this hard to believe, considering I have been extremely non-bloggish over the past months and therefore increased the probability of you kindly bunch thinking I was most likely deceased . This is almost certainly false. So, dear readers, expect me to be posting much more frequently again and my utmost apologies for the unexplained leave of absence. I Am Almost Certainly Not Dead
Greetings, world! I will destroy you all. Anywho, I must confess to the deep tragedy of not having posted anything upon this blog for approximately two months. Why must I be so absolutely busy all the time? Okay, that's a bit of a lie...I'm not always busy, I'm just always extremely forgetful, lazy, and procrastinatory. I'll also confess to having made the word procrastinatory up. Sue me. (If you actually bring the matter to court, I can very nearly guarantee that I will emerge victorious) I will also confirm to all of you lovely blog-readers that I am almost certainly not dead. I know you may find this hard to believe, considering I have been extremely non-bloggish over the past months and therefore increased the probability of you kindly bunch thinking I was most likely deceased . This is almost certainly false. So, dear readers, expect me to be posting much more frequently again and my utmost apologies for the unexplained leave of absence. 
How to Be a Genius
Hi, my name is Becca. I understand you want to be a genius, but you must understand that a series of difficult tasks awaits you. The climb from stupid to ***GENIUS*** is no bowl of roses.
Don't despair, it's not impossible! You can be like me in no time!* But how? Well, I'll tell you!
*It actually might take some time.
1. Use monumental words in order to confuse homosapiens into inferring that you're smarter than them.
2. Never ever say that you like popular movies or songs. This will create the 'Hey! I'm common...' effect. Are you common? Is that really all you strive for in life? Not anymore.
3. Write in long paragraphs even if you have nothing to say just so that people will guess that you're mind is full of genius ideas even though you're stupid. For instance, you can write an entire paragraphs on how grapefruits are constantly changing the nation with their tart flavors and bittersweet personalities. Or on how P!nk Should dye her skin blue for a contrast effect. Yes friends, long paragraphs always come through.
4. Constantly say that you can't hang out with people because you are too busy doing quadratic equasions to solve the mystery of pi or experiamenting a better cure for rabies or having a dispute over whether verbs are truly the best for complete sentences and for literature in general.
5. Laugh at people for saying "I hate english" or "Math sucks" and go on to explain to them that it's only because you're better than them at it.
6. Come to school really tired one day and say it's because you were up all night curing cancer.
7. Find out the weaknesses of others and use their weaknesses to make yourself look good. Yes, this is mean. Your point?
8. Create an easy program designed to make something that would actually take years look extremely easy and very acheivable. This step is really quite simple because modern society uses magazines, models, movies, whatever you like, to make people feel as if they aren't good enough as somebody else. All you have to do is tell them you can cure their obvioous depression and fix their problems and all they have to do is follow these basic steps, right after buying your book.
Now go look in the mirror...do you see a genius? If you can't see the genius, I suggest you re-read the instructions. Clearly you didn't read it right, but that's okay. You can call 1-800-WISHIWASLIKEBECCA
for more information.
Don't despair, it's not impossible! You can be like me in no time!* But how? Well, I'll tell you!
*It actually might take some time.
1. Use monumental words in order to confuse homosapiens into inferring that you're smarter than them.
2. Never ever say that you like popular movies or songs. This will create the 'Hey! I'm common...' effect. Are you common? Is that really all you strive for in life? Not anymore.
3. Write in long paragraphs even if you have nothing to say just so that people will guess that you're mind is full of genius ideas even though you're stupid. For instance, you can write an entire paragraphs on how grapefruits are constantly changing the nation with their tart flavors and bittersweet personalities. Or on how P!nk Should dye her skin blue for a contrast effect. Yes friends, long paragraphs always come through.
4. Constantly say that you can't hang out with people because you are too busy doing quadratic equasions to solve the mystery of pi or experiamenting a better cure for rabies or having a dispute over whether verbs are truly the best for complete sentences and for literature in general.
5. Laugh at people for saying "I hate english" or "Math sucks" and go on to explain to them that it's only because you're better than them at it.
6. Come to school really tired one day and say it's because you were up all night curing cancer.
7. Find out the weaknesses of others and use their weaknesses to make yourself look good. Yes, this is mean. Your point?
8. Create an easy program designed to make something that would actually take years look extremely easy and very acheivable. This step is really quite simple because modern society uses magazines, models, movies, whatever you like, to make people feel as if they aren't good enough as somebody else. All you have to do is tell them you can cure their obvioous depression and fix their problems and all they have to do is follow these basic steps, right after buying your book.
Now go look in the mirror...do you see a genius? If you can't see the genius, I suggest you re-read the instructions. Clearly you didn't read it right, but that's okay. You can call 1-800-WISHIWASLIKEBECCA
for more information.
Sheep Hoarding is Not a Joke: An Easy, Seven-Step Program Designed to Change Your Life
ATTENTION: NO SHEEP WERE HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST.
If you are reading this, you or a loved one probably has an issue with sheep hoarding. Don't worry. This is curable and completely natural. My seven-step program took years of research and is kind of guaranteed to make your life different. Don't believe me? Ask our satisfied customers!
If you are reading this, you or a loved one probably has an issue with sheep hoarding. Don't worry. This is curable and completely natural. My seven-step program took years of research and is kind of guaranteed to make your life different. Don't believe me? Ask our satisfied customers!
Ask Wendy!
Ask James!
You could be just like them! Follow the steps below to achieve your DREAMS!
- Step one is to admit you have a sheep hoarding problem. It's okay, you're not alone.
2. Once you have admitted you have a problem, meditate. This may be the most important step in the process. Everyday you must hike up a dangerous mountain path. At the top, build a fire inside a cave and sing a mystical jungle chant. You may eat nothing but berries and dry toast. Any violation of this step may lead to severe consequences.
3. Shave your sheep. Sheep are usually so hoardable because of their soft coats. Once they no longer have such a beautiful layer of fuzz, you may find yourself despising the sheep you once loved to hoard. This is good.
4. Donate their fur to a local animal shelter. If the animal shelter won't take their wool, give them to a person you don't know. You might even make a new friend!
5. Donate your sheep to a local hospital. Although the hospital may be resistant at first, we can kind of guarantee that they will eventually take your sheep in and treat them as family. It never fails!
6. Change your focus of interest to something more healthy, like perhaps a board game, or yoga.
7. Get a pet to keep you company. It should be fuzzy and not to big. Here is a list of animals you may want to consider:
- kitten
- hamster
- velociraptor
- rhinoceros
- puppy
- pirahna
- sheep
If this does not help, I can only say that you are psychologically disturbed. It's okay, this natural and completely curable. For more help, call 1-800-PSYCHOLOGICALLYDISTURBED.
YOU HAVE RECENTLY BECOME A BETTER PERSON. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
POTENTIAL ENERGY: THE MOST BORING THING EVER
Okay, look. This post is not about potential energy. I just really, really hate potential energy. I mean, seriously!!! It doesn't even do anything except sit around and wait to become kinetic! And sometimes, that doesn't even happen. It's like a Hollywood wannabe. Eughhh. You may have noticed I have been changing my blog format a lot recently. See, I think it's cool to spice things up every now and then. And always. So yeah.
Isn't Gregory beautiful?
I have good news...
The drought of strange animals with cool names has come to an end!!!! Ladies, gentlemen...please welcome...
GREGORY
CERTIFICATE OF STRANGE YET AWESOMENESS
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
You are STRANGE yet awesome.
SIGNED, BECCA, THE ALMIGHTY LORD OF ALL THINGS STRANGE YET AWESOME
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